To Boldly Go Where Everyone I Know Has Gone Before #3

Look, "maybe I'm an all-powerful deity" is definitely well-trodden territory

Welcome back to "To Boldly Go Where Everyone I Know Has Gone Before", in which I watch all (!) of Star Trek for the first time in my clearly-inadequate-before-this-point-in-which-I-watch-Star-Trek-because-honestly-what-kind-of-astronomer-does-that life. If you're a new subscriber, welcome! If you've been subscribed for a while, and were hoping for More Serious Space News, feel free to make an email filter on these messages using the title. I won't be offended, mostly because I won't know you did that! It's a win-win. If you’re enjoying these posts, feel free to share with friends! Now, on to our show.

Star Trek: The Original Series

Season 1, Episode 3: Where No Man Has Gone Before

In Episode #3, "Where No Man Has Gone Before", we dive into an adventure where a seemingly mediocre guy thinks he's god, which I assure you is definitely well-traveled territory, even way back in the 1960s, and even long before! We begin with the Enterprise stumbling across another ship, one that has been missing for two centuries-- to be honest, I missed a bit of the set-up here, because I am so incredibly distracted by the lighting and makeup changes that have happened since the last episode. Spock and Kirk are playing chess and engaging in some witty repartee, but the lighting is intense and Spock looks like he has jaundice. On the other hand, it's Puke Green Velour Sweater day aboard the Enterprise, so that probably isn't helping anyone.

Investigating the signal from the long-lost vessel, the crew beams in a... what is that? Kirk calls it an 'old style ship recorder", but it looks sort of like a very large pepper grinder had sex with a safe. It starts blinking, and everyone is on alert! If these few episodes have taught me anything, it's that whenever there is an alert aboard the Enterprise, everyone appears to play a ship-wide game of musical chairs— just the entire cast, walking purposely in different directions through the hallways

The barf green sweaters are everywhere. Do the uniform colors mean something? Back when I lived in Seattle, the buses still handed out paper transfers, which were color coded according to some elaborate scheme that was intended to prevent people re-using them. Naturally, some fellow punks I cooked with at Food Not Bombs had correctly cracked the code, and were thus able to travel throughout the city via public transportation, for free! I always wondered what the bulletin board they used in the process of cracking it must have looked like, and I always picture this:

Anyway, if there isn't some exposition about the uniform colors soon, and quarantine gets to me, this will be me.

Back to our story! On the bridge, a few new crew members have joined the mix, including a psychologist named Dr. Dehner who is getting some serious elevator eyes from the men of the Enterprise. She delivers a sick burn to Commander Mitchell and he calls her a “walking freezer unit”, by which I'm sure he means that she is both useful, and portable.

The crew investigates the ship's recorder they recovered, kind of like they’re flipping through someone’s internet history— sounds like six of the seven crew members died, but the last one did a lot of searches for info on ESP? Kirk asks Dr. Dehner about ESP, and she says it’s a thing! I find it sort of refreshing that in this tech-heavy show, things like ESP are a thing. Well, I guess in the last episode Charlie X yeeted a bunch of people with his mind, so perhaps not so surprising, but also he had been ~ granted powers~ so that's not quite the same thing.

Then they're off! Kirk orders Commander Mitchell to fly them out of the Galaxy at Warp Factor One. Everyone stares morosely through the windshield at a quickly-approaching pink line cloud in the distance, until they're flying through it, and some really nice visual effects ensue as they head through this pink and purple glowing nebula! I’m honestly impressed at how much they did with the effects, for the age of the show-- it's surprising to me that the effects that often look dated are when they're supposed to be on the surface of planets, rather than just flying through space. They did a good job at space!

WHOA except this nebula is melting the whole damn bridge! Suddenly Dr Dehner and George Mitchell get zapped and faint— four other crew stand nearby, and no one tries to put out the control panels that are on fire, I’m not sure why. Spock tells Kirk that the Enterprise is on emergency power, and at least nine people are dead. How many people are even on the Enterprise? So many people have died so far, and this is only Episode 3.

So now, a brief aside on how this newsletter is written: generally speaking, I sit and free-write while the episode is on, and edit lightly (very lightly, can you tell?) after. Here in my notes on the episode, I seem to have switched from calling Commander Mitchell "George" to calling Commander Mitchell "Gary". Is he Gary in the episode? Is that a nickname for George? Or did I switch to calling him Gary because I find him sort of obnoxious, and "Gary" is the default name on the You Look Like A Man instagram? I could check, but fact-checking my reporting on Star Trek episodes is, I think, outside the scope of this newsletter.

Anyway, Gary seems to have lucked out, because not only is he alive after being zapped, he now has glowing diamonds for eyes! Unfortunately, the ship is not so lucky: The warp drive is screwed up, and the Enterprise is limping through space in the slow lane.

Kirk goes to visit Mitchell in the sick bay, and his eyes are wayyyy fucked up. Gary is the one who brings up the eye thing, which is a surprise since you might have thought someone else would have mentioned it! Gary and Kirk exchange some suspect-sounding nostalgia about their college days, and is Gary always this condescending? He calls Spinoza childish, like he's the most irritating person you could have a college philosophy class with. Gary ready some more Childish Spinoza on his Star Trek Kindle, and is no one going to check his eyes?! Spock and Kirk are discussing him and spying a little on him on the CCTV, and Gary looks right at them. Spooky!

The doctor says he’s healthy, presumably aside from the Glittering Eyes syndrome, but some shady shit goes down while he and Dr Dehner have a brief exchange about him calling her a “walking freezer unit”. For one thing, George turns around and casually adjusts the thermostat WITH HIS MIND. Then, George straight up lowers his vital signs— essentially killing himself— for what Dr Dehner calls 22 seconds but seems lot shorter in TV time! Apparently, George has also been reading everything in the Enterprise’s library— when Dr Dehner goes to give him a test on reciting a sonnet, he puts the moves on her, like a woman can’t just administer a memory test without somebody trying to get it!

He calls her a “good looking lady doctor”, which as an aside, reminds me of this great moment in Mike Birbiglia's comedy special, when an audience member referred to someone as a “woman cop”. You can watch it here; Mike Birbiglia seems like a great guy. Please do not email me about it if he isn't, there's only so much I can take.

The entire Gary situation bodes very ill. George is now the worst possible incarnation of Person Reads A Lot Of Philosophy And Wants You To Know It, and the crew has gathered in the conference room to discuss “Mr Mitchell”’s condition. The crew is very concerned about Gary apparently fucking around in the ship’s controls, which certainly seems like a problem to me! Dr Dehner is very defensive of Gary, but honestly Gary seems to be evolved in all the wrong ways. What is the point of this telekinetic man if he can’t behave himself!

Spock, still looking very sallow, is the only crew member with a reasonable level of concern and a plan. Granted, his plan consists of only two options: go to a nearby planet, delta Vega, and leave Gary there, or just kill Gary. OK, Spock! Those seem like extremes to me, but you’re the logic guy!

The Enterprise flies to delta Vega, which looks a bit like a donut hole in the distance (I suppose it’s totally possible that it WAS a donut hole? How did they do these effects). I'm guessing they're just buying time, because it seems to me like “maroon Gary on delta Vega” and “just kill Gary” are pretty much the same option.

Back in the sick bay, Gary pours himself a cup of water WITH HIS MIND and starts waxing poetic about how he can do anything. ANYTHING, GARY? You can do anything, and you pour yourself a water? Personally, I would immediately try to fly. Why not!

Insufferable Gary pulls some Raiden-from-Mortal-Kombat zaps on Kirk and Spock, but after a brief recovery, Kirk just punches him in the face and he’s out like a light. I guess pouring himself a cup of water was a much more attainable goal for Gary’s powers, and I shouldn't have second-guessed him.

Down on delta Vega, there’s an abandoned but extremely cool looking facility, which looks a lot like the sewage processing plant near Greenpoint in Brooklyn:

Gary is imprisoned in a force-fielded alcove, and starts shaming Kirk for being a bad friend, but Kirk’s not having it. Gary insists on testing the forcefield like a cow testing an electric fence, and talks some more about getting stronger. He read every damn book in the Enterprise library, remembers it all, and this is what he has to say? Save us all from the mediocrity. I mention this especially because up on the Enterprise, where it is still Chartreuse Velour Saturday, the crew is hard at work repairing warp drive. It seems like no one has asked Gary if he’d make a show of good faith and repair the ship?

Dr Dehner says that a) Gary has been standing in his cell and staring into the distance for hours, b) she plans to stay behind with him. Girl, WHY!? Is she Svengali’d?!

GASP, her eyes are disco-balled too! One of them, one of them!

Recovering from their electric brain attacks, Kirk makes a daring plan to take what appears to be a very large 60’s caulk gun and chase down Gary and Dr. Dehner. Do you think Dr. Dehner will keep her title now that she’s essentially a god? What is god’s title?

Elsewhere, Gary makes a tiny Eden out of delta Vega’s otherwise lackluster real estate— tropical plants, a small water feature. It’s very modest for a god! Even after he adds a special space apple tree!

Kirk continues the futile task of trying to sneak up on god and god’s girlfriend, Dr. God. Obviously, they know he’s coming-- Gary just manifested an apple tree, Kirk! I’m not sure what Kirk’s end game is— Spock’s Plan A was “maroon Gary”, which initially seemed like the same option as “kill Gary outright”, but now god and Dr. God are capable of providing for themselves, there’s no one else on the planet, it honestly seems sort of like an ideal solution? How much trouble could they really get themselves into?

But no, Kirk's not about to let it ride! A kerfuffle ensues, with Dr. Dehner yelling "Earth is really unimportant!" and you know, she has a point. I mean, Earth is VERY important to me (it is my favorite planet), but if you're a deity with unlimited resources including a water feature you just materialized out of nothing, I can see how it might not seem that way to you.

Gary digs Kirk a GRAVE— WITH HIS MIND— and even puts a headstone on it so there can be absolutely no confusion about who it's for. Dr. God is worried by this, and tries to stop Gary God. Truly though, the problem here seems to mostly be that Kirk is still there! God Gary makes Kirk pray to him, which would not be happening if Kirk didn’t just let Gary and Dr. Dehner live on delta Vega.

Dr. Dehner saves Kirk's butt with some lovely lavender-y Raiden zaps, and suddenly Gary is back to normal so that Kirk can punch him again. What! Is the ENDGAME! You can’t punch the deification out of someone, for heavens sake. Respect their decision and move the fuck on. Kirk’s shirt is ruined, and I hope this means the crew can’t do Chartreuse Velour Uniform Day anymore, because it looks bad on everyone but most especially on Spock.

Kirk’s got his caulk gun back, and opens his 2004 Motorola Razr to call the Enterprise for a pick up. Is Elizabeth dead? Yeah, she’s dead. Gary is too. Unfortunately as Kirk eulogizes them from the bridge, we also find out he has an additional one of those chartreuse velour uniforms, so we’ll see them again soon I’m sure.

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