To Boldly Go Where Everyone I Know Has Gone Before #2
You can't just yeet Yeoman Rand into space and not expect karma to come for you
Star Trek: The Original Series
Season 1, Episode 2: Charlie X
Well, I made my first mistake, folks: TV access in our house is brought to us by my sister-in-law Jill, who lives here and owns a Fire Stick (is it Fire Stick or Firestick?). The Fire Stick is several generations fancier than any other TV setup I’ve ever had, and is an endless vault of entertainment options that I simultaneously love (so many movies!) and hate (ugh, Amazon). Tonight, I attempted to look up Star Trek— as in, The Original Series— by just simply searching the words “Star Trek”. Look, I was trying to be funny when I said a couple posts ago that there are a bajillion iterations of Star Trek in my first post about this, but truly, TRULY, there are a bajillion AND MORE iterations. Am I going to have to type out “The Original Series” on this remote control keypad every time? Not to get all tinfoil hat but I’m opposed to engaging with corporate speech monitoring devices (“Alexa! Self destruct!”), so I’m not shouting into this remote like a tool every time I need something. Please advise.
Anyway, Episode 2 is entitled “Charlie X”, not to be confused with Charlie XCX. The episode opens with the Enterprise docking with a vessel called the Antares, and I was going to remark how much I like Antares the star, but then Kirk walked in in a total Mother-of-the-Bride, olive-with-metallic-gold embellishment formal suit blouse, and I lost my train of thought.
Three visitors have come aboard: two of them are wearing matching camel sweaters that make them look like The Righteous Brothers, and one is dressed like he makes his own clothes in art school. I'm not sure what's happening with this kid; at one point he vexes his eyes up and seems to have made a mind control thing happen to the Righteous Brothers who brought him there. He's apparently moving into the Enterprise for a bit, and starts asking a lot of questions about “humans like me”, which has to be an alien red flag for sure.
I’ve learned the Basket Hair Blonde Lady from Episode One is named Yeoman Rand, and we’ll be referring to her with her title because she gets NO respect around here— Charlie, the weird young art student, and Kirk, have an awkward exchange about “is she a girl” in front of her. Kirk had a lot to say to Charlie about manners when he interrupted him during the introductions, but he has nothing to say about this! So "Charlie X" is actually named Charles Evans, but presumably has been doing some misguided white-boy dabbling in the Nation of Islam. Aside from the stint on the Antares I guess he’s been living by himself, and it shows! I hope we all remember “what a girl is” after this pandemic is over.
Charlie has a very broad, strange Frankenstein head, sort of like his hair is hiding a frying pan underneath. He's real needy, too: he and McCoy talk about whether McCoy likes him or not, because Charlie wants him to, apparently very badly. If you ask me, McCoy is a little dodgy about the answer. I mean, I don’t blame him, I take a while to decide if I like people too— but he could throw this weird broad forehead kid a bone here.
After his checkup with McCoy, Charlie sees Yeoman Rand in the hallway, where he gives her a lightbulb full of something green— I think it’s supposed to be perfume? They have an awkward exchange about it— is Charlie trying to hypnotize her? Or is she being polite so she can GTFO of this needy dude’s perimeter? More than one woman has been there, trying to figure out which words will effectively hit the "EJECT" button out of a conversation.
WOW WOW what just happened! Reader, I had to pause and rewind. Get this:
After Yeoman Rand agrees ~under duress~ to hang out with Charlie later, Charlie ends the exchange with “you’ve got a deal, friend!” And then SLAPS HER full on on the ass! You know, I wish this interaction was not so familiar to me, but here we are. Yeoman Rand is upset— REASONABLE— and tells Charlie to ask Kirk and McCoy to tell him what he did, which… I have questions about Rand’s judgement here, I wouldn’t trust Kirk to tell him anything but a bunch of PUA tips about negging and online stalking.
Cut to the men of the crew arguing about Charlie, and who’s going to be Charlie's surrogate dad. Kirk expertly dodges that duty and passes the hot potato to McCoy, which shows Kirk knows his capacity for fatherly advice better than most of the other people on the ship.
Down in the rec room, Spock is playing a… lute? A lyre? (are those the same thing?) Anyhow, a small lap harp, and Uhura starts singing about the devil! There are some shots of Spock's face here, and I am going out on a limb here to say that Spock is experiencing some of those “normal people feelings" watching Uhura do her thing. Anyway, I would totally watch this band— Uhura’s “girls in space be wary” chorus seems like excellent advice from what I’ve seen so far, tbh.
Uhura starts singing about Charlie, who looks like he might melt into the floor of the Enterprise and leave his wig behind in a puddle. Suddenly, Uhura can’t sing anymore! It appears Charlie did it with his mind vibes. Having silenced the music, Charlie starts trying to impress Yeoman Rand with some card tricks, all of which are vaguely creepy— oh wait no, overtly creepy! Is that the ace of clubs in Rand’s bra? Why yes, yes it is.
Charlie goes to ask Kirk about why he shouldn't slap women’s asses, and my wishes for this scene are granted when he, lacking the words to explain his action, slaps Kirk on the ass. Kirk gets his logic lost in the wash while trying to explain, awkwardly stumbling through such gems as "There’s no right way to hit a woman”. I am pretty sure the waters have just been further muddied for Charlie and his Forehead.
Saved by the Star Trek intercom whistle! Up on the bridge, a garbled warning message comes through, and we find out the Antares has been blown up before finishing the transmission. Another emergency message from the galley: the chef has put meatloaf in the ovens, but now there are "Turkeys! Real turkeys!” OK, I do understand how the presence of turkeys— which, from what I know about food in space, is probably not something the Enterprise has on the menu often— might be jarring to the kitchen staff. However, there needs to be an Enterprise-wide conversation about what an emergency channel is FOR, because an entire ship getting blown up and a turkey miracle cannot possible belong on the same coms channel!
Meanwhile, Spock and Kirk are playing some very cool three-tiered chess, which looks kind of like if chess was played on an elaborate serving dish meant for tea sandwiches. Charlie slides in to play a game, and I think Spock is onto Charlie— I can’t wait until he starts trying to mess with Spock. Spock and his Fairuza Balk in 1996 eyebrows are going to ruin you, son.
OH OH OH! Charlie tries to mind vibe a cheat at chess, but can’t get in Spock’s head. Spock leaves, cool as you can be, and Feels Guy Charlie crosses his eyes again. All the chess pieces melt until they look like gross teeth.
Out in the hall, Yeoman Rand inexplicably introduces Charlie to another woman on the ship, a fellow teenager, although he should clearly be cordoned off from human contact again until he learns how to act. Now Charlie is making comments about how Rand smells, and wow, things have gotten weird. If it weren’t for the mind zaps, he’d actually be squarely in normal teenage creep boy behavior, but again, he’s got those powers. I have watched enough horror movies to know that a teen with powers is bad news!
Yeoman Rand goes to Kirk to call him in to ally up, because SOMEONE has got to get Charlie in line. When Kirk tries to broach the whole “quit creeping on Yeoman Rand” situation, Charlie has a total emo meltdown. Reassuringly, Kirk tells him "There’s nothing wrong with you that hasn’t been wrong with human men since the model came out.”
Kirk and Charlie head down to do some wrestling on what looks like a repurposed squash court. Kirk has his shirt off and is wearing a pair of Santa Claus tights with a VERY visible panty line. Thankfully, everyone else has a red jacket on— did Shatner request to be shirtless, do you think? Charlie seems very uncomfortable about wrestling, and also pretty bad at it— but when a watching crew member laughs, he vexes up his face and does a disappear on the guy! Man, enterprise crew are so expendable! Where tf did that guy even go?! Is he just in the vacuum of space now???
Charlie refuses to go with the crew who come to take him to solitary, and while he doesn’t disappear them he DOES pull an undo on the guy’s phaser. Kirk does some tough-dad parenting, and Charlie slinks away, repeatedly muttering “I won’t let them hurt me”. The intercom whistles in to announce that ALL the phaser weapons have disappeared— looks like Charlie is very proactive about disarmament in space, which in principle I agree with.
Spock, McCoy and Kirk gather to debate Charlie’s fate, and honestly I think they’re all up shit creek here. Little dude just disappeared a bunch of crew and all the guns on board! On a side note, McCoy has another winning Mother-of-the-Bride blouse on— kind of a boat neck, standup collar affair with elbow length sleeves. It looks comfy as fuck, but also professional at the same time.
Up on the bridge, all hell suddenly breaks loose: Uhura gets electrocuted by the control panel! Suddenly nothing works, and they can’t go anywhere! Spock starts reciting poetry! This is really what’s happening! Charlie has changed into a Much-Ado-About Nothing-esque cropped suede jacket and starts mouthing off. Only Kirk can talk him down now! But Charlie is running wild: in the hallway, he turns the teen girl from earlier into an iguana, seemingly for fun, and then goes to creep on Yeoman Rand. Damn, this kid is scary! Yeoman Rand isn’t having it though. Don’t coddle that creep! She tells him to get out, and Kirk and Spock run to the rescue.
Yo! Charlie disappeared Yeoman Rand! Damn, this show is like the Wire, anyone can die.
Charlie uses his mind powers to kick Kirk in the balls from the inside, or that’s what it looks like, and breaks Spock’s legs! Can he heal them again? It appears so— so, I guess there is an upside to this little sociopath, if he could just channel his emotions into being in a band like all the other kids. Kirk and Spock lure the little jerk into a trap, but he just disappears the entire damn wall and freezes Kirk and Spock! Then he makes another crew member into an old woman, just because he feels like it! And takes away people’s facial features! This kid sucks. I hate when a villain is so unlikeable and powerful at the same time, it’s like watching the whole crew work for a bad manager.
Spock, Kirk and McCoy bring their heads together to solve the Charlie problem, and come up with a big plan to take up all of Charlie X’s power. I hope it works, this kid is insufferable.
The crew turns on all the ship’s systems, and Kirk makes some spicy eye contact with Charlie while a spotlight shines only across his eyes and his Fenty-bedazzled cheeks, a favorite lighting effect on the show so far. The plan works, but unfortunately Kirk stops just before punching Charlie in the mouth, which I really wish he’d done because I am TIRED of Charlie.
Suddenly, the floating green holographic head of Henry fucking Kissinger appears on the bridge! Is this Charlies’ dad?! What the hell is happening?! The Head is trying to get Charlie to come with him— Charlie does NOT want to go with Kissinger’s Floating Head, and I can’t blame him but ALSO, Charlie, you made your bed here. You can't just yeet Yeoman Rand into space and not expect karma to come for you.
So now, everyone that Charlie has disappeared is now back on the Enterprise, including people— the Floating Head of Kissinger says “we have returned everything to you”, which begs the question: did the disappeared crew members go to some repository where Floating Kissinger Head lives? Where was that? I doubt we’re going to get a debrief, but I'd like to know.
I’m so confused, it seems like Charlie was given this power by Henry Kissinger’s Floating Head, and you know, that tracks. Kirk briefly offers to try and teach Charlie not to use his power, as Charlie makes an impassioned plea to stay, because the hologram people can’t feel or love. Neither can you, Charlie! What a tortured creature. Yeoman Rand feels bad for him, and honestly now I kind of do too, but also when you don’t know how to act there have got to be some consequences. Maybe not “go live with Henry Kissinger’s Floating Head Hologram for All Eternity” type consequences, but there wasn’t a whole lot of middle ground here.
I will say I appreciate that this show didn’t put Charlie out the air lock immediately— I mean, it’s also not clear that they have an air lock, since after all they have the beamer-upper thing and why would you need an air lock then— but I feel like in the universes of most sci-fi shows Charlie would have met a far swifter end, and the crew of the enterprise did try to engage him in some kind of accountability process before even resorting to lock down. Nice try, crew— but you know what they say, that how the Floating Head of Henry Kissinger crumbles.
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